Jen Payne

In my counseling practice, I work with a group of women who are asking strikingly similar questions. Now, these women don’t know each other. They don’t come from the same places, they are not the same age, and in many respects they live lives that are quite different from each other. But what they are wondering is this – how do they become fully alive in their bodies? How do they begin to honor their feelings as much as they honor others’? How do they learn to feel powerful without losing relationships that are important to them?

How each of these women arrived at these profound questions is of course unique. But they all bring a brave tenacity at finding the answers. As we wander around in these questions together, these are four areas (among many) we explore.

1. Relationships. The process of learning about ourselves is literally formed in relationship (the neuroscience of attachment with infants is mind-boggling), and learning to understand ourselves, to be powerful, and feel deeply in our souls and bodies doesn’t happen in isolation. What is the relational climate of your life like right now? Do you have relationships where you can explore this process? Where you can struggle with knowing what you think and feel? And where you can support and find role models in others learning to do the same? If this kind of relationship feels too few and far in between in your life, maybe it’s time for a deeper level of risk in the relationships you do have (friendships, marriage, etc.). Or it might be time for something structured and intentional, such as a group focused on these themes, or working with an individual therapist. Sometimes having a safe place to reflect on relationships and experiences after the fact is the most helpful way to get in touch with what you may have been feeling, but couldn’t feel or express in the moment.

2. Triggers. I wonder about the times when you are in touch with your body and feeling joy (or pain or anger or…). When does this tend to happen the most? Certain kinds of situations? A certain relationship? And when do you notice yourself shutting down? When in particular do you notice yourself not feeling anything? Maybe there’s a pattern, maybe not, but I’m sure it’s not a coincidence. (There’s always a good reason we’re feeling what we’re feeling, even if we don’t know yet what it is.) Wondering in this way could provide some good clues for you in the process of re-connecting with yourself.

3. Children. Do you have children in your life? Know someone who does? Pass any on the street lately? How do you see children learning about themselves? Sometimes they are our best teachers. Watch how they express themselves, discover, learn, and play. They are distracted by beauty, they touch and feel and smell. The next chance you get, go with a child on a walk. Do what they do and notice what you feel happening in your body. Be watching for when the young child in you wants to come out and join them. In this process, you may stumble upon grief. Give space for this pain. This is not an easy thing to do, but grief is a crucial part of the path into who you are, what you feel, and where you are powerful.

4. Journaling and art. Being creative and exploratory is an incredible way to be in both your emotional and your physical self. Finger painting. Collage. Collecting things in nature and making pictures out of them. In the journaling realm, there are a number of guided journaling books that can help get you thinking in ways you might not on your own. (The True and the Questions by Sabrina Ward Harrison, Life is a Verb by Patty Digh, and the morning pages practice from Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way are three off the top of my head.)

We often know more than we think we know. Follow your impulses and intuitions about this process for yourself, even if it’s as simple as – I’m in over my head and need more help. What kind of help do you find yourself leaning into and wanting to explore? Many blessings to you along the way.

Originally published in http://www.newspiritjournal.com/.

Finding a therapist carries with it many of the same considerations that come with developing the other important relationships in your life. You’re entering intimate territory together and it’s important to find the right fit. Here are several things you might consider.

♦  Visit several people and compare and contrast before you decide. Often therapists offer a free first session or consultation – ask about this when you call.

♦  Put a list of questions together to talk about with your potential therapist. You could start by asking them about their particular approach. You might have an idea of what you want your therapy to be like, or a particular issue you want to focus on. Check to see if this matches what the therapist offers.

♦  One of the more important questions I recommend asking is whether or not the therapist has been in therapy themselves. It’s important to be with a therapist who has done their own work.

♦  The best source of information about whether a therapist is a good fit for you is your gut. How did you feel when you talked with them? Was there something compelling about them? A spark? A feeling of hope? This isn’t the only guide but it’s a really good one.

Start with these and see where your thoughts take you. What other questions come to mind? What feels most important to you about the therapy process?

Many blessings on your search!